Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been
waiting for. Prepare yourself for season 2 of... Australia's Biggest Whinger!
Here's your host - the man who would sell his arse to give
you what you want as long as he gets the top job - Mr Tony Abbott!
*Cue Liberal hacks cheering and screaming*
"Thank you, uh, thank, uh, thank you, everybody. Boy
what an exciting season we uh we have for you this year. Let's get straight uh
to uh to business and present the contestants!"
"Contestant number 1 is a close and dear friend of the
Liberal party, and I think he has a great chance at taking it home this year...
it's... Mr Clive Palmer!"
*Cue Liberal hacks cheering and screaming*
"Contestant number 2 has done nothing but complain ever
since he was elected to parliament. He distances himself from us but deep down
he truly is another LNP hack... Mr Bob Katter!"
*Cue Queensland redneck bogans cheering and yee-hawing*
"Contestant number 3 is a born-and-bred Liberal stooge
who has managed to fool the electorate into thinking he's a moderate... Mr
Malcolm Turnbull!"
*Cue cheers from the "moderate" wing of the
Liberal hacks, all three of them*
"Contestant number 4 is an outsider. A closeted
conservative masquerading as the saviour of the left. He's done nothing but
whinge and complain since he was booted out of office... Mr Kevin Rudd!"
*Cue cheers from the swing voters who are easily swayed by a
smooth-talking politician, and care nothing for substance*
"Contestant number 5 hasn't been around much lately.
He's been described as the biggest "is it my turn yet?" in Australian
politics... Mr Peter Costello!"
*Cue cheers from the morons who think he cut spending
despite spending increasing more under him than any other treasurer of the last
30 years*
"Contestant number 6 is a returning favourite from last
season, out to win it all this year. Having narrowly lost a chance at the NSW
upper house and not being able to accept it... Pauline Hanson!"
*Cue cheers from redneck bogans from across the country*
"My what a lovely bunch of contestants, here they are
all standing in a uh row. I'm sure they all need no introduction, so let’s move
right on to stopping the boats. I uh mean uh uhm uh the first elimination uh
challenge."
