Australia's Biggest Whinger S02E01

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Prepare yourself for season 2 of... Australia's Biggest Whinger!

Here's your host - the man who would sell his arse to give you what you want as long as he gets the top job - Mr Tony Abbott!

*Cue Liberal hacks cheering and screaming*

"Thank you, uh, thank, uh, thank you, everybody. Boy what an exciting season we uh we have for you this year. Let's get straight uh to uh to business and present the contestants!"

"Contestant number 1 is a close and dear friend of the Liberal party, and I think he has a great chance at taking it home this year... it's... Mr Clive Palmer!"

*Cue Liberal hacks cheering and screaming*

"Contestant number 2 has done nothing but complain ever since he was elected to parliament. He distances himself from us but deep down he truly is another LNP hack... Mr Bob Katter!"

*Cue Queensland redneck bogans cheering and yee-hawing*

"Contestant number 3 is a born-and-bred Liberal stooge who has managed to fool the electorate into thinking he's a moderate... Mr Malcolm Turnbull!"

*Cue cheers from the "moderate" wing of the Liberal hacks, all three of them*

"Contestant number 4 is an outsider. A closeted conservative masquerading as the saviour of the left. He's done nothing but whinge and complain since he was booted out of office... Mr Kevin Rudd!"

*Cue cheers from the swing voters who are easily swayed by a smooth-talking politician, and care nothing for substance*

"Contestant number 5 hasn't been around much lately. He's been described as the biggest "is it my turn yet?" in Australian politics... Mr Peter Costello!"

*Cue cheers from the morons who think he cut spending despite spending increasing more under him than any other treasurer of the last 30 years*

"Contestant number 6 is a returning favourite from last season, out to win it all this year. Having narrowly lost a chance at the NSW upper house and not being able to accept it... Pauline Hanson!"

*Cue cheers from redneck bogans from across the country*

"My what a lovely bunch of contestants, here they are all standing in a uh row. I'm sure they all need no introduction, so let’s move right on to stopping the boats. I uh mean uh uhm uh the first elimination uh challenge."

For this first elimination challenge, each of the contestants will be presented with a reasonable Labor policy proposal, and whoever gives the best whinge in a press release will secure their place in the next round. As an added incentive, the whinger who gives the best whinge will also receive a 5% tax cut for their choice of over-represented and under-taxed wealthy fat cats. Let's see how they do.

Contestants, are you ready for your first elimination challenge! Alright, let's begin.

"Labor treasurer Wayne Swan *cue boos from the crowd* has announced a new policy where businesses earning over $1 billion per year in profits will face a 2% tax increase, with the extra revenue going towards building more hospitals in rural Australia. Go!"

Mr Palmer:

"This is an outrage! This is absurd! I pay my taxes and we employ Australians. We should not have to pay this tax otherwise I will have to cut jobs to make up the lost revenue otherwise how else will I afford my gold plated floss! This is another bad policy from another bad Labor government, and for every dollar the government steals from me because of this tax I will donate $2 to the Liberal party so long as they promise to cut taxes for me and my fellow billionaires who are doing it really really tough!"

Mr Katter:

"I think this is a good idea and it's about time we had a government building hospitals in regional Australia. But I object to the socialist policy of raising taxes for hard-working multi-billion-dollar businesses. The money instead should be raised from subsidies to the ethanol industry and funding cuts to something useless like education."

Mr Turnbull:

"This is clearly bad economic policy. Those businesses need that extra revenue for investment and creating jobs. The government should be taxing carbon emissions with a market based emissions trading scheme with a two year fixed price period, with the fixed price at 50c per 1000 tonnes of CO2 so that the market has time to adjust and so that businesses aren't hit hard."

Mr Rudd:

"I support this policy, in fact it was my idea. Which Gillard stole from me. Right now Labor are doing in the polls, and if they want to win the next election, and win the votes of working families, they need to reinstate me as their deity, I mean leader."

Mr Costello:

"I've never been very good with numbers. But I do know that while interest rates are lower now than they ever were under the Howard government, interest rates will always be lower under Liberal governments. Also John Howard should have stepped aside and let me be PM."

Mrs Hanson:

"Please explain how building hospitals in rural Australia, where all the abbo kids are, is going to help white Australians. I don't like this policy, I don't like it. I also don't like Asians, but Australia seems to have accepted them, so instead I don't like Muslims. We should be using this money to subsidise fish and chip shops, and at the same time give a tax cut to white businesses."

Well, what a rowdy bunch of press releases those were. Now let's ask the Australian people who they thought had the best whinge.

*Votes are tallied on the screen. It's a close race between Rudd and Turnbull, but at the last second Turnbull edges ahead.*

It looks like Malcolm Turnbull is the people’s choice. But of course this is the Liberal party and as everybody knows, the only choice in the Liberal party is Clive Palmers choice. Clive, who do you think won?

"Well Tony, I think I won outright. Here's another $1 million donation to the Liberal party."

Thank you for that Clive. And it looks like Clive Palmer has been overwhelmingly declared the winner! Congratulations Clive you have won a 5% tax cut for the self-entitled mob of rich white people of your choosing, and you will move on to the next challenge, we'll see you next week.

What an exciting first round to start the season with. We still have five contestants, and only four of them will be moving on to the next challenge with Mr Palmer.

Now for the second round. What nasty bit of Labor policy is there in store for us this time?

"In wake of heightened conflicts in Afghanistan, the war in which John Howard committed us to without seeking a mandate from the Australian people, a boat load of refugees have made their way into Australian waters seeking asylum. The Labor government has committed to process them onshore."

Mr Katter:

"I don't care about these brown people on a boat! I bet some of them are gay. We should be focusing on things that are important to regional Queensland, like subsidising ethanol, and banning the pooftas like my brother from getting married. That's what Australians want! And by Australians, I mean rednecks from regional Queensland."

Mr Turnbull:

"We should be processing these asylum seekers onshore. It's the humane thing to do, and we are a progressive country. But I'll just support the party line out of fear for my political career and because I don't really have any integrity I just want to be PM almost as badly as Tony and Kevin."

Mr Rudd:

"I believe, and have always believed, that climate change, I mean asylum seekers, are the great moral challenge of our lifetime. How we treat them is a reflection of ourselves. The Gillard government has lots its way and the only way it can be re-elected is if the Labor caucus elect me their supreme overlord I mean leader."

Mr Costello:

"I was a good treasurer, I swear! I'm just trying to remain relevant! I should be leading the Liberal party now."

Mrs Hanson:

"Please explain how these non-white people should be allowed into this country. I don't like it, and Australians agree that we should not let these chinks, goobs and Asians into our beautiful white country."

Wowee! Those were even more fired up than the first round! But which whinge do the Australian people most want to vote for?

*Votes are tallied on the screen. It's a close race between Rudd and Turnbull, but at the last second Turnbull edges ahead.*

It looks like Malcolm Turnbull is the peoples choice again. Clive, who do you think won that round?

"Yeah let it be Malcolm. He's not really a Liberal because he isn't racist or bigoted or fundamentalist Christian enough, but I don't care so long as he still supports subsidies for the hard-done-by billionaires such as myself."

Malcolm Turnbull is the winner! Congratulations you'll move on to the next challenge. We’ll see you next week, though personally I wouldn’t mind if we never saw you again.

We are now down to the final round. One of these four contestants will be going home tonight. Let's get to it.

"The Labor caucus have voted to support gay marriage. With the support of the Greens and the independents, gay marriage is likely to pass through the Australian parliament and into law."

Mr Katter:

"This is a f***ing outrage! Those f***ing pooftas are going to get married! What next, beastiality? The Labor Party and the Greens and the Liberal and National parties all love homosexuals. They want to have gay buttsex with all the homosexuals. Australians don't want pooftas getting married."

Mr Rudd:

"As Prime Minister, I opposed gay marriage because I am still a deeply devout Christian. My social policy wasn't any different from John Howard's. Remember him? You all loved him, but you loved me more. If Labor are going to win the next election, they need to oppose gay marriage and re-appoint me as their god I mean leader."

Mr Costello:

"What? Oh. You're talking to me? Someone actually wants to hear what I have to say? I couldn't even get that when I was treasurer! I'm so happy. I should have lead the Liberal party to the 2010 election."

Mrs Hanson:

"Australians do not want abbo homosexuals to get married. But as this isn't an issue of race, I don't really care. I don't have a problem with gay people, so long as they're white. I don't like them, but I don't like abbos more."

The contestants have made some fierce arguments. Let's see what the Australian people think.

*Votes are tallied on screen. Kevin Rudd wins by a huge margin. Peter Costello receives one vote.*

Mr Palmer, who do you think won that round?

"I don't know. Katter. He's from Queensland and supports mining. Why not."

And who do you think lost?

"I don't care. So long as us billionaires continue to get subsidies, I'm happy."

Mr Costello, your heart, if you have one, just wasn't in it. You had the weakest whinge. Goodbye.

Now stay tuned next week when we humiliate the contestants by making them go on Q&A. Goodnight Australia!